True Love Isn’t A Deal
a calm sea never made a skilful sailor
if you survive a toxic relationship you will be stronger for it
Most relationships are deals, they arise out necessity, they arise out of wants, needs, and desires. In these relationships, be they business related, friendships, sexual, or romantic, each person has needs, demands, requests, and expectations. They want what they want and they want to give just enough in return to keep the relationship alive ~ if not always healthy. These relationships are usually one-sided with one person giving much more than they receive in return. They are about what you can get, and not at all about what you can give. Some call these transactional relationships ~ and that’s buying and selling.
Most self-help and self-development books, podcasts, and seminars are all about how to win in a one-sided transactional relationship.
In a relationship, no amount of extra effort on your part can make up for the lack of effort on theirs. ~ John Mark Green.
No wonder so many ‘romantic’ relationships and marriages end on the rocks.
In the average transactional relationship there are conditions around everything ~ it’s all an ‘I’ll do this if you do that…..’ And the weight of each thing that each party brings to the relationship is carefully weighed and measured.
The very sad thing is that many people don’t know any better, because they themselves are the result of this kind of dysfunctional deal making relationship. The chances are that their parents did exactly the same kind of things that they are doing now.
Each of us has a set of hard-wired programs in our subconscious mind, and these programs dictate how we think, feel, react, and act in any given situation. Mostly these programs are created within us before we are seven years of age, and guess who inculcates most of this stuff into our innocent subconsciousness ~ our parents.
People who come from dysfunctional families are destined for a dysfunctional life. ~ Bo Bennet.
The tendency towards living in a dysfunctional / transactional / toxic relationship is a family illness, in the same way that a tendency towards alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling, promiscuity, and violence are family illnesses. And you know what? All of the above go together and can be often be found in one or both parties in most toxic relationships.
The other side of the coin to a dysfunctional / transactional / toxic relationship can only come about through both parties giving unconditional affection, acceptance, friendship, support, respect, understanding and love to themselves and each other. And, my friends, that is very rare indeed. Some call this a transformational relationship, and if you are lucky enough to be in that kind of situation then you have indeed found your soul-mate.
Some say that they wouldn’t trust their lying partner out of their sight for an instant. And that their husband / wife is a controlling asshole. All I know is that a healthy relationship is based on unconditional trust.
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
happiness comes in waves
to give, and not to count the cost
sometimes, like now, I’m spreading myself a little bit thin
alone again, naturally
The last few days have a reminder to me that; when I’m good, I’m far too good for my own good. The very cool gentleman at the core of my true persona is kind, generous, supportive, understanding, and totally taken for granted ~ especially by women. Some women seem to think that if a guy is kind, generous, supportive, and understanding, then they don’t have to try very hard to keep him hanging around at their beck and call. On the other hand some women will do almost anything to keep a real bastard in their lives.
I have no intention of turning into a real bastard, but neither am I going to live on the crumbs that some people seem to think will keep me enraptured enough to sick around.
I am reminded of the words of St. Ignatius of Loyola;
to give and not to count the cost
to fight and not to heed the wounds
to toil and not to seek for rest
to labour and not to ask for any reward
Well, I am no plaster saint, and although from time to time those words could have been an accurate description of parts of my life, I’m walking away from all that.
Some also seem to believe that a man’s friendship and love should be courtly and unconditional ~ which is not how women operate at all. In general women are hard-wired to get everything they possibly can from a man, with as little cost to themselves as they can get away with. In general a hell of a lot of women are just an inch away from being a real bitch.
I’m tough, I’m ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay. ~ Madonna
Love songs, love stories, romantic tales of the knights of yore, all talk about the man who will love a woman more than life, unconditionally and eternally, and then they live happily ever after together. Only in reality it doesn’t happen like that. A really good man might give his all to a woman unconditionally, only to have to watch her walk off into the sunset with some real bad boy. I have been on the losing side of that more than once.
And some women truly do give their friendship, kindness, understanding, and support, asking little in return, other than reliability, steadfastness, and courtly love.
Okay, that’s the end of today’s hurt. And, at least I have one very good and loyal female friend, although she does live about 5,000 miles away.
Some say that when a man loves a woman he should love her unconditionally. And that a man should give his all to any woman who has befriended him. All I know is that I have never made promises lightly, but whatever promises I have made are just about to get broken.
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
sometimes survival is all you have
JackCollier7 
You must be logged in to post a comment.