when I discover who I am, I’ll be free of this misery

The better we know ourselves, the better can be our relationship with the rest of the cosmos.  However, self-awareness, knowing who and what I am, comes to me with only the greatest difficulty.  I suffer from a severe mental malady called Borderline Personality Disorder, and one of the principal symptoms of BPD is a markedly unstable self-image and little sense of self.   Basically, I don’t know who I am ~ I have little Kinship of Spirit with myself.  I empathise far more easily with others than I do with my own ego and subconsciousness.

Each and every moment I need to remember that I am an extremely emotional being and that I can be caught up in the surging chaos of my innermost feelings, whether they be positive or negative.  Deep within me there is a pit of boiling black resentments from the past that hasn’t been reconciled with the dreams I hold today. To have true kinship of spirit with anyone, especially with myself, I need to find a way to clear up all the evil crap and demons that can still haunt me with the slightest provocation.  That or my heart and soul will surely break.

A little while ago I resolved that I would put in the hard work to achieve some better quality of life ~ to do whatever it takes to recover from the personality disorder I suffer from.  And now that hard work is beginning to bear fruit.  Most of the time I enjoy positive feelings in both my head and my heart ~ it’s a delicate balance that helps me to be conscious of myself and also see the bigger picture of my relationships with others and the world as a whole.

When I am functioning with balance in my heart and mind, body and spirit,  am no longer critical nor judgmental.  It’s then that I am free and can observe the world in a clear bright light.  Because I operate in a world of opposites, of psychological splitting, I go to extremes.  When I am not filled with darkly angry negativity, I need to be wary of not going to the other extreme and being overtly idealistic over relationships and my perceptions of other people, especially those I care for.  I can easily put others before my own wants, needs, and desires ~ I can and will put a Lady on a pedestal.

The people in my life, from my past, present, and into the future, all play a part in how I perceive myself, what enjoyment, pleasure, and pain, I gain from my life and also what I attract into my path.  I need to cherish them as much as I care for myself.

Some say that it’s a dog eat dog world, and you should take whatever you can whenever you can.  And that other people only matter insofar as they are useful to you.  All I know is that I have faith in myself and in the future.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

eventually the sun will rise again