the trouble with introspection is that is has no end

my mood today

Still in hospital ~ I’m pretty down, depressed, and very troubled.  Nothing seems to be going right for me ~ excepting I’m not dead and I haven’t had to have major surgery.  I have some good and caring friends on this site, and who I met through this site, but I’m certain all of them think I’m crazy.  Nothing much I can do about that other than every single day try to be a better man than I was yesterday.  I hope my friends try to understand.

Now I’m free of the catheter I was able to take a bath this morning ~ you might have no idea just how good a soak in a hot bath feels if all you’ve had in about 10 days is a bed bath.  My skin doesn’t feel madly itchy, and my hair doesn’t feel greasy and lousy anymore ~ and I had a proper wet shave.  They won’t let me wear aftershave; why is that?

I’ve seen the nutritionist, who was nice, even though she gave me a good talking-to about my previous eating habits, and especially about my getting very drunk every few weeks.  I have to completely change my lifestyle, and eat a modified Paleo diet;

• No Alcohol at all, ever
• lots of fruits and vegetables
• high fibre plants and whole grains, but not legumes
• nuts and seeds, but not peanuts
• low fat meats and oily fish
• very little added sugar, salt ~ and no trans fats, saturated fats, refined carbohydrates (flour)
• no processed foods at all

But I can have black coffee and green tea.

Why do I think my whole life up ’till now has been a total failure?  But dreams can come true, if you have your dreams and you’re strong enough.

The most introspective of souls are often those that have been hurt the most.  ~  Shannon Alder

Other things on my agenda today are an ultrasound on my carotid arteries and a PET scan ~ they keep testing me for possible precancerous signs.  Thus far I’ve been lucky, apart from early-stage alcoholic fatty liver.

I also have to go for a walk today.  That should be fun, so far everywhere I needed to go in here a porter took me in a wheelchair.  If I’m going home tomorrow I’ve got to get up and get back on my own two feet again.  That’s not just walking, that’s my whole life ~ because at the moment large parts of my life are down the toilet.

Some say that if you have just one good friend then you can do anything.  And that if you truly love someone you can conquer the world. Too bad that love is blind.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

my life is merely a darkling reflection in a winter mirror