My Demons and Darkness
let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around us in mindfulness
The dawn of a new life
Now that I am recovering from the illness which I suffered over the Holidays my mind is beginning to work again. That is both a good and a bad thing. It’s good because existing in a depressive semi-vegetative state is not living at all. It’s bad because my demons are coming out of the darkness deep inside my mind to torment me again.
I’m not going to let that happen. This the the dawn of a different life for me, not the beginning of another dark night.
I am not going to dwell on the past, nor regret anything that happened there. I am not going to think much about the future, nor be afraid of anything that might happen in that far-off country. Rather I will be mindful of today. I will use today to begin to discover my own inner nature.
A spiritual journey is to uncover my own inner nature. It’s already there. ~ Billy Corgan.
I have realised that I need to discover who I really am, and what I can do to become the better man. The only person I need to measure myself against is who I am today, and then be a better man tomorrow.
It’s a new dawn. Please be optimistic for me.
~
Jack Collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
A new dawn for me
Christmas is a Future Thing
Christmas is forever, not just for one day.
Aside from the whole birth of Jesus Christ thing a couple of thousand years ago, around dawn at some stable in the middle of the desert, why should Christmas Day be different from any other day in the calendar? Maybe we feel we should be especially nice to people, be more giving and forgiving, be more loving towards ourselves and others? Perhaps it’s the one day in the year we think of, email, telephone, or visit friends, relatives, or loved ones we haven’t thought of or seen since last Christmas. Perhaps Christmas Day is the day that our heart breaks all over again.
Some people look forward to Christmas, thinking that the day will bring them the happiness they so want and need. Trust me, looking for happiness in the future is a short road to misery ~ even believing that you will be happier at Christmas than the unhappiness you’ve suffered for the rest of this year might not be your best ever plan.
One result of trying to find happiness in the future is that we can wish our lives away, believing the future will be better than now. There are some basic rules; nothing ever changes, the only thing we can change is ourselves, and tomorrow will pretty much be the same as today.
There are some supplementary rules, one of which is that travel over the Christmas holidays is going to be fucking terrible. Flights will be packed and delayed, trains will be cancelled, and the roads will be full of Sunday drivers who have no idea how to cope if it even so much as rains. And if it snows…..
My 5th or 6th worst memory of a Christmas is trying to drive the 300 miles from London to Durham, on Christmas Eve, in a blizzard. That annual journey was one of the reasons I never looked forward with pleasure to Christmas. It grew so that I dreaded Christmas Eve.
And yet, around midnight, I still searched the night sky, hoping to see the magic of Santa.
Christmas changes everyone and everything. Christmas changes our memories of the past, our attitudes in the present, and our expectations for the future. We each of us hope for a brighter Christmas and a better New Year. So, Hallelujah ~ Noel ~ Be it Heaven or Hell, the Christmas we get we deserve.
Some say that Christmas has become too commercialised. And there is no such person as Santa Claus, magical or otherwise. All I know is that I have a friend who leaves a carrot out for his donkey and a glass of tequila for him.
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
how will Santa cope when there are moms on the moon?
grasp your own future
Dreams do not have deadlines nor commitments…..
Hardly anyone is really in control of their own life. This is doubly true if you happen to be an ‘average person’, who has a job, mortgage, and normal financial commitments ~ face it you have to turn up for work every day, whether you like it or not. Add in a family, who undoubtedly will have expectations of you, and your time is not hardly ever your own. (And, I wasn’t even thinking about the ‘average person’ who is married with children.)
The ‘average person’ can’t really have dreams and desires, unless their dreams and desires happen to fit in with what others expect of you.
Just supposing you want to take a year off, buy an old school bus, turn into a camper van, and see as much of backroads America / Europe, as you possibly can in that year. What do you think your partner / family / friends / employer / neighbours are going to say about that?
I’ll tell you that the likelihood is that their views and words will range from incredulity to negativity, to downright hostility. That is if you are an ‘average person’ living a ‘normal life’. Ergo, to protect yourself you would probably not ever have that kind of empowering dream and desire.
Instead your mind will be filled with things such as; ‘what can I do about my partner / sister / brother…..?’ or ‘how can I afford to pay my bills’, or ‘how can I get a better job?’ or ‘what can I have for lunch / dinner / supper?’
None of us can do anything about our past, except reframe the way we think about it.
Most ‘normal’ and ‘average’ people can do very little about what’s happening to them in the present. The chances are that, for them, today will be pretty much like yesterday. If they have to work for a living the chances are that any working day will be exactly like the working day before. Even their thoughts and conversations will have a mind-numbing repetitious banality.
However, and this is fucking damned important, we can all do something about our futures.
NOBODY has to settle for the status quo. If there is something or someone in your life that’s sucking the life out of you, then get rid of it / them. If your marriage is crap / abusive / boring, then get out of it. If your job is horrible and badly paid, then leave and get another job ~ there’s nothing like being out of work to put a real edge on job hunting.
There is only one problem ~ most people will never leave their ‘comfort zone’. If that’s you, then it’s time you grew up and grasped your own future with both hands ~ carpe diem.
As for me? I’m a really cool guy, living a great life. I can do just about whatever I want, just about whenever I want ~ within my own pretty rigid code of ethics, and the fact that I don’t ever want to get arrested again.
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
That van was in Palm Springs
JackCollier7 
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