Angry Sadness
Mania and depression all at once means;
the will to die and the motivation to make it happen.
sometimes we entrap ourselves
Agitated depression and borderline personality disorder are an extremely dangerous and confusing set of mixed mental / emotional / spiritual states. Those of us who are unfortunate enough to suffer from a personality disorder, or serious character defect, often become confused because we sometimes seem to have two or more totally different and opposite problems at one in the same time. Believe me, I’ve been there more than once.
Have you ever felt really tired, but keyed-up and tense at the same time? You want to go to sleep but you’re full of energy and can’t relax? Or, you feel really melancholy, depressed, and sad, but at the same time you are very hurt and angry and want to strike out against whoever it is that’s hurt you. These contradictory conditions are a sign of something called Comorbitity, where one or more medical / mental / emotional / spiritual conditions are co-occurring with a primary problem.
Perhaps the most common instances of comorbitity are between people diagnosed with a mental illness who also abuse booze, drugs, and prescription medication. Addicts and alcoholics are often also mentally ill.
Anger, rage, and fury alongside sadness, melancholia, and depression at one in the same time don’t actually make a lot of sense. Anger is a very active emotion requiring a hell of a lot of mental and emotional energy, (and taken to extremes a lot of physical energy), whereas sadness and depression are passive emotions which sap energy and leave the sufferer incapable of doing very much at all.
More typical would be a period of extreme anger, followed by remorse, guilt, and sadness. Not the two things going on at once. But, especially in men, anger and depression often go hand in hand.
However, anyone who has been diagnosed with a personality disorder will be aware of just how chancy that diagnosis was, and may well have been misdiagnosed by several doctors / psychiatrists / psychologists / therapists before their correct diagnosis, and hence correct treatment was discovered, (found by accident). A hell of a lot of people who have Borderline Personality Disorder will at first have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
In fact there are 9 or 10 distinct personality disorders, and very often a sufferer will have symptoms or traits of more than one of these disorders, at one in the same time. As if it’s not bad enough suffering from just one of these life-destroying mental illnesses.
So if you’re confused about your illness, or the way your loved one / partner / friend behaves, don’t worry. Instead put in the hard work and learn about what’s exactly going on ~ start with the internet, then talk with your doctors.
Some say that all alcoholics and addicts are just plain crazy. And that they just never know how their partner is going to be from one minute to the next. All I know is they’re both right.
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
we all have demons inside us,
sometimes more than just one.
Treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder
wandering through a desolate wasteland of your own making
I guess I have suffered from untreated Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), for most of my life. I shouldn’t feel so bad because BPD is mostly incurable, and all many of we sufferers can do is learn how to minimise how the symptoms and traits that blight our lives.
As far as possible treatments go…..
Many suffers of this terrible illness self-medicate with copious quantities of alcohol, marijuana, and other street drugs ~ and then they become addicts. I’ve tried the booze thing, over and over again, just to escape the pain and suffering. It works for a while, because a boozer will eventually just pass out. However, the cure soon becomes worse than the disease. Too much booze can kill you in so very many ways, and anyone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder will always drink far too much strong liquor. Eventually one has to stop drinking for a while, and for a while after you stop drinking you might feel so physically ill that you believe you are going to die.
If you are in crisis your doctor might give you a sleeping pill or tranquilizer, but should not ever prescribe more than a week’s supply ~ there is too much danger that someone suffering from BPD will take an overdose, possibly in an attempt to kill themselves.
Your doctor may prescribe Prozac, (fluoxetine), which is an SSRI, (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor), an antidepressant used to safely treat depression, anxiety, OCD, (obsessive compulsive disorder), maybe Bipolar Disorder, and eating disorders. Prozac makes you want to commit suicide. When you stop taking Prozac you will have some unpleasant withdrawal symptoms.
In a tiny study, (of 12 patients suffering from BPD), all showed some improvement after taking Prozac over an extended period, but none in the trial had suffered from terrible depression. Nowhere is Prozac said to be an effective treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder.
Of the talking therapies, current thinking is that Dialectical Behavior Therapy, (DBT), is most effective at treating BPD. The thing about DBT is that it focuses on honestly accepting who we are, and that is the real key to living a good life if you have fucking Borderline Personality Disorder.
Good luck in finding a counselor skilled in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or getting the funding for the long and intensive course of treatment you really need. The best you might get is some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is where Dialectical Behavior Therapy came from in the first place.
Personally, I have found a great deal of benefit just watching and listening appropriate podcasts on internet sites like YouTube. What I have learned is that no matter how fucking chaotic, evil, and negative my feelings are, I DO NOT NEED TO LET MY NEGATIVE FEELINGS AFFECT MY BEHAVIOUR.
Some say that they never realised that they were acting like a jerk, or a bitch. And that they thought that everyone had distressing feelings all the time. All I know is that I can be a cool guy, living a really great life ~ even though I have an incurable personality disorder.
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
even in the short term drinking will not help people with a problem
Confessions and Mistakes
How many bad decisions seemed like a good idea at the time?
Over the years I’ve made some really bad decisions. From time to time I got angry and subsequently did some reprehensible things I now regret. I have reacted with nasty spite when I should have stayed calm, and I’ve felt resentful for no good reason, which usually turned me into a dangerous Mr. Hyde or a rabid black dog.
And when he was good he was very, very good, but when he was bad he was horrid. ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Not every time things went badly pear-shaped was my fault. Not every person I’ve hurt was an innocent bystander. Some of the people I’ve had uncharitable thoughts about actually deserved my condemnation. And there have been some people I wouldn’t cross the road to spit on. But, and here’s the thing, all the time I was an angry, judgemental, resentful, dangerous bastard person, I was still suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, and / or, Bipolar Disorder. I was always afraid, and I was always running away.
Add the whole lot together, all the anger, resentments, mental illness, and it’s not surprising that I used to be hypercritical, lacking in understanding, and totally unwilling to accept anyone who didn’t measure up to my warped standards. It’s not surprising that from time to time I could hurt the ones I love. Sometimes the only things I was good at was causing pain and heartache.
It only takes one word to hurt a woman, a matter of seconds, one stupid, impatient sting of the whip. But winning back her trust takes years. And sometimes there isn’t the time. ~ Nina George
I have actually made a list of all the people I believe I have hurt over the years, (that’s the difficult step 8 in 12 step programmes), and thought about the what, why, when, how, where, and if of making amends to those people. Of my original list I’ve crossed off some names, because I’m not a saint, so I’m not making amends to everyone I’ve wronged. And, I’ve underlined some other names, of women I really do need to make immediate, meaningful, and lasting amends to. (my Goddess Aphrodite and The Girl Riding Shotgun spring to mind.) But as the quote from Nina George says, sometimes rebuilding trusting relationships takes years.
I have spoken in haste too often, spoken from negative and dark emotions too often, and been thoughtless too often. But, the recent paradigm shift that I experienced from being way outside of my comfort zone for a week should mean that I don’t make those enraged mistakes again.
Some say there is no such thing as a mistake or a bad decision. And that the consequences of a really bad decision are a learning opportunity. All I know is that if I go off the rails there is going to be a painful disaster, and someone will get hurt ~usually including me.
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
Nobody likes to be with a dangerous jerk.
Be that guy, and be alone in the dark.
So, now I need counselling.
Never look to another to tell you who you really are.
A friend of mine has said that I need some form of mental health / spiritual counselling ~ suggesting to me that she thinks there’s something seriously wrong with the way I feel, think, act, and react to events and people. I guess she believes that I don’t feel, think, act, or react in ways that she likes when it comes to my friendship with her.
I thought about this a lot and very seriously. I am fully aware that I don’t follow normal rules of behaviour, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships, and I also know there are, (at least), a couple of reasons for this.
Something happened to me deep in my early childhood, so far back that I don’t know exactly what happened to me when I was maybe 3 years old. But whatever happened had a very profound effect on me, sufficient to change my personality for my whole life. It’s complicated, but various mental-health types have said a couple of things; #1 I don’t have bipolar disorder, and #2 I may have had borderline personality disorder, but if I had I’ve recovered. Well, that’s helpful….. or not. The practical upshot of whatever happened when I was a young child is that I will not willingly accept advice, criticism, or chastisement. So what? That just puts me in line with 99% of the rest of the crazy people on this planet.
The second reason I don’t follow normal rules of behaviour is because I’m better than that. I’m enlightened, truthful, open, ethical, grounded, and fucking smart. And to be honest, with the exception of the people who follow me on this blog, that makes me a better man than anyone any of us is likely to meet in an average day.
So, I thought about this very carefully when it came to finding a therapist / counsellor / spiritual adviser….. and decided that wasn’t going to happen.
I’ve spent the greater part of the past 2, 3, or maybe 4 years trying to walk the warrior’s path. Trying to find out who I am, who I was, and who I wish to be. And now, after years of effort, I’m finally beginning to see some light.
It may just be a candle in a hurricane of hellish darkness, but that small light is me.
The little boy may have become a broken man, with a broken spirit and broken dreams, but today I can hold on and today I’m feeling strong. I know who I am, and I’m not a shadow or the man in the mirror anymore.
No over-qualified, well-intentioned, mental health wazzock is going to be given my permission to dip their dirty fingers into my soul. There is no chance of me attending therapy / counselling / psychotherapy. Not now, not next year, not ever.
It turns out that I know who I am, and I like who I am. And, those that don’t can fuck off. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, and please don’t keep in touch.
Some say that humility is the true key to success. And, that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. All I know is that I’ve tried humility and therapy, and all I got was insanity.
I have a new plan of action concerning my supposed need for counselling. I am happy to take no action whatsoever.
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
Marmaduke is as sick of misplaced and unwanted advice as I am.
Feeling very ill
Never let your head hang down. Never give up and let your soul grieve. Find another way. And don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.
A good friend of mine has suggested that I may have bipolar disorder, and not borderline personality disorder.
I do have very severe mood swings, that range from euphoria, to very bad temper, to suicidal depression. But, one can get severe mood swings with both bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder.
All I know is that my behaviour over the last week had been disgraceful, and right now I have become seriously depressed.
Today I can begin thinking about making changes in my life and my responsibilities. I can ask for help from my friends, and do some rearranging so that no day is completely overwhelming.
All I hope is that I don’t turn into Mr. Hyde again.
Jack Collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
Turning into Mr. Hyde is the very worst thing that can happen to me.
JackCollier7 
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